Memorial Service for Jayne Campbell
Officiated by the Reverend Mark W. Christian
First Unitarian Church of Oklahoma City
Monday March 03 2003
Give way to grief,
And unashamed,
Abandon stoic fortitude for a while
Set free, a while, the soul,
Better to bear its load.
Tears unshed are stones upon the heart
That choke the healing stream.
Unlock the flood-gates;
Loose the waters.
Give way, and cope with grief. (1)
(Doxology Music)
We gather this day in the presence of death,
But we gather neither in fear nor praise of death.
We gather in the Spirit,
And the things of the Spirit
As revealed to us in the life of Jayne Moseley Hazleton Campbell.
In the presence of Life, we say “No” to Death.
In the presence of Death, we say “Yes” to Life.
(Refrain Only – O Life that Maketh All Things New)
Jayne died last Tuesday following complications from surgery to remove a brain tumor. She was by all estimates an amazing human being.
Lover and wife to Jim, Mother to Jazzy, Alice and Stuart, Sister to Mary, Niece to Fran, “Big Mom” to Sasha, Mary, Carl and John; Jayne was much more than this, still She was a loyal friend, confidant, compatriot, conspirator and surrogate mother to many, many persons. Her death lessons the lives of so many people.
Prayer and Meditation
Please join me in the Spirit of Prayer and Meditation
Spirit of Life and Living, Ancient of Days, Bringer of Birth and Death – we gather today, face to face with mortality. In this hour, let us grow in our resolve never to take a moment of life for granted. Let us deepen our sense of connection to life and living. May we come to see the ways that we may know love even more fully for having been touched by the life of Jayne Moseley Hazleton Campbell. Oh God, as we are mired in darkness today help us anew to find the light of dawn, the warmth of humanity and the strength to live out our days as though they really matter. We who knew and loved Jayne know that she would want an end to tears and a time for laughter. Help us to find the blessings of life renewed this day. This day, help us to find the snippets of the infinite and the moments of eternity that Jayne embodied in her life and living. May we trace these outlines of the transcendent in the days of our lives. May we grow emboldened in the only kind of immortality Jayne would have wanted – seeing her spirit of live and living renewed in those whom she loved. In the Spirit of all things Holy, which some call God and others find too big for any Name ~ we pray. AMEN.
(Song ~ “Abide With Me”)
Words can never replace a life lost. As human beings, though, words are one of the few tools we have to express the meaning of life and living, birth and death. Poets have long struggled as we struggle today. May we gain insight from their words and wisdom. Emily Dickinson offers these immortal words:
Because I could not stop for Death ~
He kindly stopped for me ~
The Carriage held but Ourselves ~
And Immortality.
We drove slowly ~ He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too
For His Civility ~
We passed the School, where children strove
At Recess ~ in the Ring ~
We passed the fields of Grazing Grain ~
We passed the Setting Sun ~
Or rather ~ He passed us ~
The Dews drew quivering and chill ~
The only Gossamer, my Gown ~
My Tippet ~ only Tulle ~
We passed before a House that seemed
A swelling of the Ground ~
The Roof was scarcely visible ~
The Cornice ~ in the Ground ~
Since then ~ ‘tis ~ and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads
Were toward Eternity ~ (2)
Robert Hugh Orr also catches a glimps of something I think Jayne would want us to know this day:
They are not gone who pass
Beyond the clasp of hand,
Out from the strong embrace.
They are but come so close
We need not grope with hands,
Nor look to see, nor try
To catch the sound of feet.
They have put off their shoes
Softly to walk by day
Within our thoughts, to tread
At night our dream-led paths
Of sleep.
They are not lost who find
The sunset gate, the goal
Of all their faithful years.
Not lost are they who reach
The summit of their climb,
The peak above the clouds
And storms. They are not lost
Who find the light of sun
And stars ~ and God.
They are not dead who live
In hearts they leave behind.
In those whom they have blessed
They live a life again,
And shall live through the years
Eternal Life, and grow
Each day more beautiful
As time declares their good,
Forgets the rest, and proves
Their immortality. (3)
When I visited with the family yesterday, there was a sense that a piece of Scripture – most often heard at Weddings and Services of Holy Union – might encompass a piece of what we are about today:
If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but I do not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoings, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. Fow we know only in part, and we prophecy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we shall see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love. (4)
May these words minister to our hearts and speak to our longing minds.
(Congregation Sings ~ “Amazing Grace”)
Eulogy for Jayne Moseley Hazleton Campbell
The Reverend Mark W. Christian
First Unitarian Church of Oklahoma City
How is one to capture the sweep of Jayne’s life in a few short minutes? Perhaps if we were talking about some ordinary, run-of-the-mill human being it could be done… but Jayne? I suppose we must settle ourselves to the notion that, at best, we will catch a couple of glimpses of Jayne ~ a little bit of what made her so very special. Our purpose in this hour is to divine a few of the traces of the infinite that were embodied in Jayne ~ to lift them up, look at them, feel them and grow in the knowledge that the life that was in her is in us, too.
Jayne died following surgery a couple of weeks ago to remove a tumor from her brain. The last thing that Jayne would want, though, is for us to believe that cancer killer her. Life, to Jayne, was a journey and her death is merely one moment of the trip. She particularly wanted her grandchildren to know that “Life is a journey” and that she is still traveling with them. Sasha, Mary, Carl and John, “Big Mom: is still with you. She is in your smile. She is in your laughter. She is in you when you see someone who needs you to help them. You may not be able to see her anymore, but deep in my very being, I believe she is still with you.
She is still with all of us. Jayne was an ‘old soul’ who was hard to miss in life and will be harder still to forget in death. I asked the family yesterday for words that catch a glimpse of Jayne’s life ~ Jazzy said ‘Straight-forward’. Stuart remembers his Mom as non-judging and tolerant. Alice said Jayne was invigorating and touching others with the things she did ~ whether they wanted her to or not. Jim spoke of her humor ~ ever present, quick, sharp and dry. Jayne was a woman who used her sense of humor to disarm a situation ~ or an opponent. Fran says that her niece never did anything ‘half way’. There is so much more that should be said.
I believe Jayne had a flamboyant style that she wore as comfortably as the hats that she favored late in life. She started wearing the hats because of hair loss associated with cancer treatment but when she put on a hat, it was hers. It belonged to her, not to the cancer. Jayne was that way. She lived easily in her own skin even when most of us could have found living so very, very hard. Jayne knew exactly who she was and was absolutely comfortable in the things that she did, even when what she did made some people uncomfortable. As Jim puts it ~ “She didn’t suffer fools gladly”. My guess is that it is only the fool who will ever be completely free of her. For the rest of us, Jayne embodied a kind of immortality that we shall see, and hear and feel for the rest of our lives. We, now, embody Jayne’s journey.
Jayne was part artist, part choreographer, part confidant and confident about what was best in a given setting. Heaven help you if you felt differently! To call the people that Jayne drew about her eclectic is to understate the obvious. Jim recalls Jayne visiting with a young Baptist minister throughout a flight to Houston ~ “She gave him a few things to think about,” Jim reports. Stuart recalls all the people who found in Jayne the mother that they needed ~ when they needed it most. The list of people to whom Jayne was a ‘Second Mom’ is enormous.
Certainly, there were times that Jayne needed people, too. I have no doubt that Jayne got as much as she gave. Those who knew her and loved her knew her hopes and fears. They certainly shared her tears. I think, though, that when Jayne needed help from others she received it by giving even more completely of herself. Somehow, she was sustained by giving when most of us would have thought that it’s time for us to take.
There were true paradoxes that pulsed through Jayne’s spirit. At one of her parties, you could see a leather-clad biker type talking to a Junior League member or a patron of the arts. Don’t for a minute think those things happened accidentally. Jayne orchestrated events. Shakespeare observed that “All the world’s a play, and we but players in it.” If this is true, then in some ways Jayne was a producer, director, actor and drama critic.
To speak of Jayne and not mention her work with the Oklahoma City Museum of Art, with the Firehouse Art Center, the Junior League or with PFLAG ~ Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays ~ would be criminal. Jayne was an avid reader of history with a passion for medieval art and culture. She started and ran an HIV test site in a time when fear was fervent. Jayne held many hands and offered comfort and solace to many, amid fear and the looming shadow of death. As much as this is, she was much more than this. She cut a wide swath through life. She made her presence known.
She was strong ~ a strong woman from a family of strong women. It is fortunate that she was strong. She needed to be. I don’t want anyone, for a second, to reduce Jayne’s life to the reality of cancer that she faced in later years ~ but to ignore this fact would be to miss an important lesson from her life and living. Jayne’s son, Stuart, has something that his mother wrote ~ and discarded ~ that we need to hear today. It speaks to her sense of duty, her strength, and the enduring spirit of humanity she possessed.
(Stuart reads.)
Jayne knew how sick she was. She presented a strong face ~ because she was strong. She knew this most recent surgery could either kill her or cure her. She hoped for the latter but I don’t think she was afraid of the former. Jayne was not a woman to harbor regrets ~ she did express to me, though (as she did to several others), that she felt that the last few years haven’t been ‘fair’ to Jim. “We just got married and I got sick,” she said. She wasn’t regretting the sickness and she certainly wasn’t regretting marrying Jim ~ but in a fashion consistent with the rest of her living she was thinking of others and the help they needed. Jim, for his part, has said that he also doesn’t regret going through this part of the journey with Jayne ~ although I am certain that he would give anything to have saved her the pain that cancer caused her.
We may think of life as a play and ourselves as actors or directors ~ but the reality of the situation is that none of us gets a script. We didn’t get to choose the moment of our entrance and we don’t really get to choose the moment that we exit. The reason that we don’t get to choose the moment that we exit is that the effect of our life and living pulses on past the sum of our days and months. We live on beyond our hours and minutes. We have immortality greater than our years and seconds.
Jayne lives on ~ ’29 forever’. When you strike up a conversation with someone on a plane or in the check-out line ~ part of Jayne that is incarnate is in you. When you open your heart and home and whole being to someone who needs a friend, a confidant and advocate ~ trust in the knowledge that Jayne is with you. When you laugh at little juxtapositions in life that most people don’t even see ~ grow comfortable knowing Jayne has touched your life. When you are 100% certain that your way is the right way ~ even if no one else seems to agree ~ understand that Jayne probably agrees with you ~ or she doesn’t ~ and it doesn’t matter because she loves you anyway.
Death this year has taken (one)
Whose kind we shall not see again,
Pride and skill and friendliness,
Wrath and wisdom and delight,
Are shining still, but shining less,
And clouded to the common sight.
Time will show them clear again.
Time will give us other(‘s then)
With names to write in burning gold
When they are great and we are old,
But (She was) royal-hearted, rare,
Memory keeps with loving care
Deeds (She) did and tales (she) told
But (ones like Jayne) are hard to spare. (5)
Jayne Moseley Hazleton Campbell lives no more. Her Spirit, though, lives forever in all of us. From this day forth, that will have to be enough. AMEN
(Solo – ‘All I Ask of You Is Forever to Remember Me as Loving You’)
There are a few final things I wish to share with you today. Christina Georgina Rosetti wrote words that are true like few others are true:
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning, stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann’d:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do nor grieve;
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thought that once I had,
Better by far that you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad. (6)
I also hope that you can take these words from Dorothy Monroe with you today. She speaks of life as a journey in a way that I think Jayne would have liked:
Death is too high a price to pay
for having lived. Mountains never die,
nor do the seas or rocks or endless sky.
Through countless centuries of time, they stay
eternal, deathless. Yet they never live!
If choice there were, I would not hesitate
to choose mortality. Whatever Fate
demanded in return for life I’d give,
for, never to have seen the fertile plains
nor heard the winds nor felt the warm sun on sands
beside the salty sea, nor touched the hands
of those I love ~ without these, all the gains
of timelessness would not be worth one day
of living and of loving, come what may. (7)
Benediction
As a benediction today, allow me to offer these words from the Book of Ecclesiastes:
To everything there is a season,
and a time for every purpose under heaven.
A time to plant, and a time to harvest;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together;
A time to keep silent, and a time to speak;
A time to be born, and a time to die;
Yes, to everything there is a season,
and a time for every purpose under heaven. (8)
We gather this day in the presence of death,
But we gather neither in fear nor praise of death.
We gather in the Spirit
And the things of the Spirit
As revealed in the life of Jayne Moseley Hazleton Campbell.
In the presence of Life, we say “No” to Death.
In the presence of Death, we say “Yes” to Life.
(References)
(1) 'Give Way to Grief' ~ by Melville Cane.
(2) '712' ~ by Emily Dickinson.
(3) 'They Are Not Gone' ~ by Robert Hugh Orr.
(4) 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 ~ NRSV.
(5) 'Royal Hearted and Rare' ~ by John Hayes Holmes.
(6) 'Remember' ~ by Christina Georgina Rosetti.
(7) 'The Cost' ~ by Dorothy N. Malone.
(8) Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (adapted).
